What If Hallmark Christmas Movies Were Actually Good?


The Christmas movie craze is in full swing. You probably have your go-to favorites. My family loves Elf, Home Alone, the 2018 Grinch, and most recently Netflix's animated Klaus. But there is always a contingent of die hard Hallmark fans who would rather spend their holiday season rehearsing the same storyline multiple times over.

Are there good Hallmark Christmas movies? Sure. But they aren't my favorite. I mean, every Christmas movie is predictable to a point, but there's just something about Hallmark movies that take predictability to a whole new level.


Here's an example. Stop me if you've heard this one before.

A man and his wife are estranged. They aren't divorced yet, but it's obviously heading that way. The wife moved across the country to a big city to pursue her career. She has worked her way up the corporate ladder, and she and her husband find themselves taking different paths. The husband is not willing to give up, however. It's Christmas, and he wants nothing more than to make things right between them again.

He flies to the city, planning to surprise her at work in an attempt to win her back. However, there is a suave, wealthy, European businessman standing in his way. This mysterious, handsome foreigner is the life of the business holiday party, stealing the show and overshadowing this desperate husband. In order to win his wife back, he knows that he will have his work cut out for him.

With the help of friendly locals, this husband must face a series of humiliating and sometimes painful challenges, putting his dignity and even his body on the line to win her back. Against all odds, this husband overcomes all the obstacles and wins out against his suave European competitor. There's a dramatic reunion with his wife who finally realizes just how much he loves her, and she finds a renewed love and appreciation for him.

They hug. They kiss. There's "snow." And everyone lives happily ever after. Merry Christmas!

Of course, I'm not talking about a Hallmark movie. I'm talking about Die Hard.

Die Hard is essentially a Hallmark Christmas movie with more blood and explosions.

Yippy-ki-yay...


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